I think I’ve mentioned a few times lately here that Lindsy has really been declining, and I think we’ve gotten to the point where her quality of life just isn’t that good. We’re having such a hard time making the decision… well, not making it — we’re pretty much in agreement that it’s ‘time’ — but acting on it. I think I, at least, am still holding out this hope that she’ll just pass peacefully in the night. I tell myself that I don’t want to cut her life short before she’s ready, but I recognize deep down that there’s some element of cowardice involved, of not wanting to deal with the situation.

In the meantime, she grows more and more fragile, less aware, less all the things that made her Lindsy. She teeters around on legs that barely hold her up and sometimes can’t get up at all. She forgets when she’s already eaten. She follows us around like she wants attention, then ducks and runs away if actually approached. She has a myriad of weird nasty growths that ooze and tend to get infected — one even abscessed and the area where it had been isn’t really healing.

She usually gets very excited about her meals, but sometimes doesn’t finish the food, which isn’t like her at all. She’s very paranoid about someone stepping on her or trying to touch her. Her breath is atrocious and her teeth are nasty now that she no longer chews bones.

She leaks urine, sometimes loses control of her bladder entirely. The rug in the living room makes the house smell and totally grosses us out but we can’t do anything about it as long as Lindsy is still wandering around leaking… we can’t even tear up the part that’s over hardwoods because she would slip and fall and hurt herself on bare wood, and already does in the bedrooms.

It would be a lot easier around here with her gone, and yet that makes it harder instead of easier to take that final step — I don’t want it to feel like we’re just putting her down for selfish reasons, getting rid of an inconvenience. But am I being selfish in not wanting to be selfish? Does that make sense? Am I putting my guilt over what’s actually best for her?

We went through this with Lilly, and more recently, Wednesday, but it’s been a few years… unless you count the periodic drama we have when Cricket goes through one of her bad spells, then bounces back. We even made ‘The Appointment’ once, only to cancel it again. (If Cricket does ever pass away, she’ll probably have to decompose for a few days before we’re convinced she’s really not just ‘off her food’ again).

Our friends Chris and Paul just went through this with their Tika, who was about Lindsy’s age or a bit older… we’d joked morbidly in the past that it was a race to see who’d go first. Chris wrote a very moving post about Tika’s last days and how she finally came to the decision and it helped me realize that we have to face this. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to us because it’s painful to watch her toddle around, panting and confused, stumbling and falling if she encounters something as small as a dog toy in her path. We have to just brace ourselves and do the right thing.

But it sure does suck.